Stuck on the Fringe

Went to my first FORCE face-to-face meeting on Sunday. Met some very brave young women. All were at least a decade younger than me and most were sporting reconstructed breasts. Most had already opted to have their ovaries removed (somewhere between their late twenties and early forties).  One had faced breast cancer twice. 

Guess who the "old women" in the room was?  It isn't that easy adjusting to being viewed as a mature women or grandma. Those are the facts but it always surprises me anyway.  Just like the mirror does sometimes.  From the inside I don't feel much older than 20 something. In my mid 40's during one of my dieting efforts I realized that my "hot babe" days were over and going forward the bar I was reaching for was "attractive older women".  That's okay. It's just a different way of viewing myself and reacting to the world around me. Honestly, I'm still adjusting.

Yes, I know I am blessed.  Our family is blessed, because in recent generations our family has been spared the awful pain of losing very young women to cancer.  That doesn't change the fact that we have lost family members who weren't done living, who wanted to do more, who we all wanted to live longer than they did.  Yes, they are fortunate to have lived, had children and some even lived to see grandchildren.  They really are more fortunate than others with this mutation. 

BUT cancer still cut their lives short and it may do they same to mine. The fact that this gene mutation will abbreviate the lives of random members of my family infuriates me.  Will it be me?  Will it be one of my younger siblings.  Will it be my son, my nieces or nephews, or my cousins?

I left the FORCE meeting feeling very much on the fringe.  Being BRCA positive puts me on the fringe.  After all I don't have cancer, right?  In the BRCA community I'm also on the fringe.  I've already lived 56 years and most of the incidences of cancer in my family are in "old people" anyway so I should be grateful, right?  I'm not, at least not today.  I miss my Mom.  She lived 71 years before the mutation won.  I'm grateful she was here for 71 years and at the same time I'm angry that she's gone so much sooner than others in her generation.