Ready?

Okay, I admit it. I'm a bit frazzled. The closer it gets to December 13th the more anxious I feel. It seems to build a little bit each day. I don't think about it all the time but I think about it more than I'd like to and even though I'm pretty sure everyone is getting tired of hearing about my surgery. I can't seem to stop myself from bringing it up and yammering about it.

It's a fact. I talk too much. Especially when I'm nervous or uncomfortable. When I was younger I used to spend hours on the phone with my friends or family members when something was bothering me. Although I don't do that so much anymore I still have a tendency to blabber away. My husband is more the silent type. I can usually tell by the look on his face that he has reached his saturation point. I'm sure glad I have this blog or my poor husband might be suffering worse than he is now.

Started a book by Johathan Herman & Teri Smieja's book "Letters to Doctors" The BRCA and Hereditary Breast and Ovarian Cancer Syndrome Edition and I'm enjoying it and learning at the same time. It's pretty cool that Teri Smieja (a person I've become acquainted with on the Facebook BRAC support groups) is a published author.

Also on one of my BRCA Facebook groups I found a handy little list of things to take to the hospital and things to have at the ready when you get home. I've been picking the items up when I shop or ordering them from Amazon and squirrelling stuff away so I'll be prepared.

Yesterday I put up a pint sized Christmas Tree and strung a few lights around the living room so I could check "decorate for Christmas" off of my to do list. It's some kind of record for me to have decorated before Thanksgiving. There is just so much to do before the 13th. I still have to write a big report and a grant request at work; get ready for Christmas (shop & wrap gifts, send cards); and throw my Bon Voyage Boobies event (complete with a Paper Mache cast of "the girls"); go to 3 doctor appointments; keep the house reasonably clean; and dozens of other small things.

Okay I don't "have" to do all of this. I want to do all of this before the 13th. December seemed like a good time for surgery because it's usually slower at work. I didn't give enough thought to the reasons why it's slower at work. It's obvious now that December is crazy-busy at home and I'm realizing that all that "Christmas stuff" is more important to me than I realized. I'll give it my best shot but I may end up sending "Happy New Year" cards this year.

I'm not ready yet but I get a bit closer each day.

How crazy is that?

There I am humming my "kick some cancer-risk-ass" theme song all confident and prepared to get this surgery from my future to my past. Just strolling down the BRAC brick road. When a silly Victoria Secret commercial reduces me to tears.

It's ridiculous. Laughable really. Even when I was "young and beautiful" I wasn't the Victoria Secret model type. As a girl, I was more of a white bread version of America Ferrera in  Real Women Have Curves. But for some reason the sight of those models in a random TV commercial hit me in the gut. Caught me off guard. It brought out a fear I had been pushing back and holding down. A fear I didn't even know I have.

It's so silly. I know I'm much more than a pair of breasts. BUT the world I live in objectifies breasts and as much as I try to tell myself I'm above all that. That perfect image of what I "should" look like is still lurking in my subconscious somewhere. How crazy is that?