Shut up, already

My 56th birthday is in two days (June 4).  I've spent many hours online since April 17th when I learned about my BRCA2 mutation. Wow there is a lot of information out there and I'm also more than a little freaked out by all of it.  As my little niece used to say "what to do? what to do?"

I'm determined to stay positive but can't help wondering what all this introspection and hyper-body awareness is doing to me.  Is this temporary?  Will I ever be able to brush off a little tummy twinge again.  Gosh I hope so. 

Until, April 17, 2013 I didn't spend any time thinking about my health or worrying about the chances of me getting cancer.  Maybe it was denial, but my view of the future was that I would live into my 80's or 90's like both of my grandmothers had.  I actually spent more time worrying about what it would be like to be a widow because my sweetie is 10 years older than me.

I was tip-toeing down the BRCA brick road until May 3rd when I was admitted to the hospital with severe abdominal pain which turned out to be a partial bowel obstruction.  I'll spare you the details.  Except to say, "it was a sh** storm", for real! 

If you were anywhere near me in early May you might have been able to hear the screeching of tires of my brain-train as it shifted down and spun around.  I'm pretty sure that's when SHE first moved in.  It must have been when I was on those pain meds.

The CT scan that found the bowel obstruction also found a mass on my adrenal gland.  "Nothing to worry about" they say.  These things are common "in people your age" they say.  It was during these conversations with doctors that I first heard HER whispering all kinds of negative crap.  I'm telling the truth, honestly I am.  A newborn hypochondriac has taken up residence in my brain.  She whispers negative scary comments in my ear all day long.  She is a huge pain in the ass.

The tests should all be back when I go to the doctor next week.  I think everything must be fine or they would have called me but SHE keeps whispering scary things that keep me awake at night.  Dang her ~ I wish I could shut her up.