I'm really doing it. How crazy is that? The mental tug of war rages on.
"Is this really the right thing to do? What if it doesn't go well? What if I end up with serious complications? Will I ever feel normal again? Will I be sorry? What if I'm out of work for a long time?"
"No more worry about breast cancer. No more surveillance stress. Peace of mind. Bonus tummy tuck. This IS the right step for me. Once it's over I'll be so relieved."
When my mother and aunt were diagnosed with breast cancer I remember thinking. "If that ever happens to me I'll cut them both off." I knew the stress of waiting for another diagnosis would make me crazy.
When found out I'm positive for a BRCA 2 mutation I thought the same thing "just cut um off". But now that the date is set and it's really going to happen I have to say "I'm going to miss them". They might be stretch marked and a bit saggy but they're mine. I've never really wanted to change them. They fit me. They've been with me for the most intimate moments of my life. A positive part of my body image. The source of deep sexual and maternal satisfaction. I really wish I didn't have to cut them off.
I've always referred to my breasts as "the girls". They are the body part that I could count on to make me feel sexy. Even when I'm feeling too fat or not as attractive as I want to be I could always count on "the girls" to help me feel sexy.
I know I'm doing the right thing for me but it isn't as easy as "cut um off". It's so much more difficult than that.
Hi honey. Know exactly how you feel. I was a walking boob. I was "known" for my boobs. Now, they would be gone. It was not rocket science. They had to go. They wanted to kill me. Still, I wish I had taken a photo... just to put in my secret box of memories. Cut 'em off and be done with it.... but know that you will mourn them and the loss of something that you were born with. The relief is unbelievable and the thing that (for me) made it all worth while. I hope that you will consider joining out site too. We are the Facebook group called Prophylactic Mastectomy. We laugh, we cry and we hold each other up. Lots of love and luck. You are doing the right thing. Hugs
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment Kimberly. I am a member of that Facebook group and a few others. It is so helpful to have that support. Thanks for your good wishes. I really do appreciate it and it's good to hear from women who are on the other side without regrets. ~hugs~
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