Go . . .

It's 10:45 pm. I need to get up at 3:15 in order to make it to the hospital by 5:30 am. Everything is a go. I'm feeling prepared and not as nervous as at times earlier this week. I'm looking forward to having this behind me. When I post next time this will all be history. Off I go.

Set . . .

Nearly everything is set to go. Today is my last full day at work. Tonight I'll make one last trip to the store and do some last minute cleaning. Tomorrow I work only in the morning and then head out to Hillsboro for a pre-op appointment with Dr Cober. Then its pack my bag for the hospital and focus on all the pre-op instructions like nothing to eat or drink after midnight, bathing with special soap and insuring I'm using all freshly laundered, clothes, towels, and sheets. At this point I just want to have the surgery behind me. My anxiety level is building but it sure helps to stay busy and I have plenty to do before surgery.

Ready . . . set . . .

Ready . . .

It's Tuesday. Friday is surgery day. So far I'm not as anxious as I thought I would be. I've been keeping very busy. My Christmas shopping is done which is a lifetime record I'm sure. I'm as ready for Christmas as I'm going to get. I have loads of things to do at work, housekeeping tasks, office party, packing and a doctor appointment to keep me busy until I jump into bed on Thursday night.

My surgery is the first one on the schedule on Friday morning. We are supposed to arrive at Saint Vincent Hospital at 5:30. I think I'm READY.

Party Time!

A few weeks ago, I invited a few of my favorite women to join me at a Bon Voyage Boobies party featuring champagne, breast related snacks and frontal nudity as we made a cast of my breasts. It was a girls only affair attended by both of my step-daughters, a sister, a sister-in-law, and a niece. The morning after I'm feeling pleased with myself and very glad I had the guts to throw myself a bye-bye boobs event.

It was amusing and cathartic to make a bunch of breast related snacks. Here are a few pictures.

My step-daughter Allison did most of the work on the cast and it turned out great. I'm glad to have it and look forward to having it painted. Here are a couple pictures of the cast.

When I sent the Bon Voyage Boobies invitations I wondered if it was a good idea. My sis, Lisa, told me to do it and I'm so glad I listened to her advice. It was fun and I feel so supported.

Ready?

Okay, I admit it. I'm a bit frazzled. The closer it gets to December 13th the more anxious I feel. It seems to build a little bit each day. I don't think about it all the time but I think about it more than I'd like to and even though I'm pretty sure everyone is getting tired of hearing about my surgery. I can't seem to stop myself from bringing it up and yammering about it.

It's a fact. I talk too much. Especially when I'm nervous or uncomfortable. When I was younger I used to spend hours on the phone with my friends or family members when something was bothering me. Although I don't do that so much anymore I still have a tendency to blabber away. My husband is more the silent type. I can usually tell by the look on his face that he has reached his saturation point. I'm sure glad I have this blog or my poor husband might be suffering worse than he is now.

Started a book by Johathan Herman & Teri Smieja's book "Letters to Doctors" The BRCA and Hereditary Breast and Ovarian Cancer Syndrome Edition and I'm enjoying it and learning at the same time. It's pretty cool that Teri Smieja (a person I've become acquainted with on the Facebook BRAC support groups) is a published author.

Also on one of my BRCA Facebook groups I found a handy little list of things to take to the hospital and things to have at the ready when you get home. I've been picking the items up when I shop or ordering them from Amazon and squirrelling stuff away so I'll be prepared.

Yesterday I put up a pint sized Christmas Tree and strung a few lights around the living room so I could check "decorate for Christmas" off of my to do list. It's some kind of record for me to have decorated before Thanksgiving. There is just so much to do before the 13th. I still have to write a big report and a grant request at work; get ready for Christmas (shop & wrap gifts, send cards); and throw my Bon Voyage Boobies event (complete with a Paper Mache cast of "the girls"); go to 3 doctor appointments; keep the house reasonably clean; and dozens of other small things.

Okay I don't "have" to do all of this. I want to do all of this before the 13th. December seemed like a good time for surgery because it's usually slower at work. I didn't give enough thought to the reasons why it's slower at work. It's obvious now that December is crazy-busy at home and I'm realizing that all that "Christmas stuff" is more important to me than I realized. I'll give it my best shot but I may end up sending "Happy New Year" cards this year.

I'm not ready yet but I get a bit closer each day.

How crazy is that?

There I am humming my "kick some cancer-risk-ass" theme song all confident and prepared to get this surgery from my future to my past. Just strolling down the BRAC brick road. When a silly Victoria Secret commercial reduces me to tears.

It's ridiculous. Laughable really. Even when I was "young and beautiful" I wasn't the Victoria Secret model type. As a girl, I was more of a white bread version of America Ferrera in  Real Women Have Curves. But for some reason the sight of those models in a random TV commercial hit me in the gut. Caught me off guard. It brought out a fear I had been pushing back and holding down. A fear I didn't even know I have.

It's so silly. I know I'm much more than a pair of breasts. BUT the world I live in objectifies breasts and as much as I try to tell myself I'm above all that. That perfect image of what I "should" look like is still lurking in my subconscious somewhere. How crazy is that?

Just cut um off

I'm really doing it. How crazy is that? The mental tug of war rages on.

 "Is this really the right thing to do? What if it doesn't go well? What if I end up with serious complications? Will I ever feel normal again? Will I be sorry? What if I'm out of work for a long time?"

"No more worry about breast cancer. No more surveillance stress. Peace of mind. Bonus tummy tuck. This IS the right step for me. Once it's over I'll be so relieved."

When my mother and aunt were diagnosed with breast cancer I remember thinking. "If that ever happens to me I'll cut them both off." I knew the stress of waiting for another diagnosis would make me crazy.

When found out I'm positive for a BRCA 2 mutation I thought the same thing "just cut um off". But now that the date is set and it's really going to happen I have to say "I'm going to miss them". They might be stretch marked and a bit saggy but they're mine. I've never really wanted to change them. They fit me. They've been with me for the most intimate moments of my life. A positive part of my body image. The source of deep sexual and maternal satisfaction. I really wish I didn't have to cut them off.

I've always referred to my breasts as "the girls". They are the body part that I could count on to make me feel sexy. Even when I'm feeling too fat or not as attractive as I want to be I could always count on "the girls" to help me feel sexy.

I know I'm doing the right thing for me but it isn't as easy as "cut um off". It's so much more difficult than that.